I've been asking for a baby since February, now I'm losing one in December.

I don't know why prayers and answered. Certainly that's what this is half price since February to have a baby and now I'm losing one in December to an ectopic pregnancy. I've wanted this baby for a long time. And I'm hurting even more. I have three ultrasounds in the last 4 days I'm 6 weeks along there might be a heartbeat but I'm hoping there's not... I went to the ER maybe four days ago because I had an ultrasound done at urgent Care and that was fluid in my pelvis and they detected that it might be an ectopic pregnancy because there wasn't any baby in my uterus. Then they told me to go to the ER. At the yard I was there for 3 hours 3 and 1/2 hours waiting most of it the doctor came back and told me most likely it's not an ectopic pregnancy it's probably the early signs of a miscarriage and the bleeding hemorrhagic cyst. I still kept hope I've been praying the baby will be okay but I went to St George to get my blood drawn and they detected only 600 human going out of trouble it's CG hormone level whereas 4 days 2 days ago they detected 900. The ER doctor thought maybe it's just a little too early to see a baby in the uterus. 

So those are unanswered prayers. 

This year has been unfair. I do believe God has been unfair to me. Now I know he's not fair he's not fair to anyone. And I know it's a lie to say that he is. If he knows our hearts desires why does he take but we most want away after all year and protects to give it to us and that he takes it away. 

If he's a loving God why would he do that. 

I don't know. 

Answer my mission sacrifice getting married when I was younger so I could serve a mission and then it took me awhile to feel comfortable getting married to someone I believe that was the holy Ghost helping me... Tell me it wasn't right I would feel uncertain about things but it certainly took a long time to find Russell. 

I'm completely torn and killed inside to think that I have to go in tomorrow and I have to get a shot in my hip to kill myself that are going in my fallopian tube on my left side. 

I don't know how I'm going to do it. And then I get to get my blood drawn again. Open pretending like I'm strong every time I get it drawn but I really hate it and I don't think I'm strong. I've been so hopeful and optimistic that this pregnancy would turn out... But there's nothing in my uterus other than blood. I think the only things will get me through this will be my kids. I'm so blessed to have them!!!! I can't wish on anyone. I'm so blessed to have my kids. Please, don't do this to anyone especially those so undeserving...I have no risk factors for ectopic pregnancy..

This has scarred my life, my heart and my soul. 

But, my love for my kids and my future will get me through. 

May God change his mind, and begin to answer my prayers to come and give me and Russell a strong enough body to not have this. again I'm my life.

living nativity

December 25'